10:31 a.m. || 2010-05-30
dreamlover...
I've been having dreams where I marry Joe Zagacki for years now, and I used to wonder if they really meant something, like I secretly wanted to be with him. Since he got married almost a year ago, the dreams had pretty much stopped (did I mention that I sent him a message on facebook right before he got married apologizing for my idiotic actions in the past and wishing him well with his future? I thought this might settle my guilty conscious about the whole situation, yes, I still have one.) And then, out of nowhere I started having dreams about him cheating on his wife with me. He's always the one that initiates things and I'm always the one saying "no, this is wrong, you're married, etc..." and then we always get caught by his mom. The weird thing is that they are not all just sexual dreams, they always have this deep emotional underlying that stay with me even after I wake up, almost as if they are real in some way.
It's silly to me that my brain still has some cosmic connection to this person that I used to love so many years ago... someone who is with someone else, and someone who I don't even long to be with anymore. But why don't I have dreams about marrying Bird, the man I love and actually want to marry in life?
I guess the subconscious mind is not really concerned with the rational mind, and it likes to play tricks on you just so you remember that you can never really have control of it. And I guess that first real love just never goes away completely.
